Arnold Schwarzenegger isn’t the most popular public figure out there these days, and rightfully so. But before he destroyed his marriage, before he slashed school funds, robbing kids of their art and P.E. classes, and before he put us that live in sunny California in an even more unfathomable financial crater, he was destroying, slashing, and creating craters of a different kind. He was the legendary action-hero all of us puny, zit-stricken, teenagers wanted to be; the one with muscles on top of muscles on top of muscles; the one with enough natural brawn that if converted into food could easily sustain a small country for several generations. I grew up watching him empty rounds, crash semis, and flex excessively on screen. And I referred to him then simply as Arnold, because that’s all that was needed to be said. Here are my top five movies of Arnold Schwarzenegger:
5. Twins
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So I might not be starting this list with one of Arnold’s great action movies, but who would have thought the Devito/Schwarzenegger duo would be so electric? And the simple fact that Devito discovers he’s the extraneous “leftovers” of a genetic experiment gone astray is enough subtle irony for me in order for this movie to make the list. Yeah, we all know Danny Devito looks like a mutant.
4. Conan the Barbarian
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I miss the days when every suitable broken branch I picked up suddenly transformed into a mighty blade of epic history and proportion. When in battle, I always seemed to gravitate between playing two characters: He-Man and…Conan! The latter being the greater of the two, of course. No one wielded the double-edged sword better. And no looked more intimidating doing it!
3. Last Action Hero
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A blend of action, comedy, satire, and genius! Based on concept alone, this movie rules. It’s definitely not one of Arnold’s most well-known movies, and it certainly didn’t fair well with the critics, but regardless of all that, it satisfied an unattainable dream I, as young movie-buff, mulled over countless times while bored in class – that is, what would it be like to walk into a movie and interact with its world, or to be able to extract fictional characters from their fictional worlds and place them here where we dwell? Where would you dare go? Who would you dare meet? Which characters would you be tempted to bring into the real world? And what would happen when fiction is confronted with their real selves? This movie explores all of these questions!
2. Predator
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If memory serves me correct, I believe this is the first Arnold movie my two eyes ever beheld, and what a way to begin! An easy contender for first place, but just falling short of the mark, Predator perhaps features one of cinemas most satisfying face-offs of all time. It’s Major Dutch (Arnold) vs. The Predator, a crazy-ass alien equipped with a cloaking device, a deadly heat-seeking laser gun attached to his shoulder, razor sharp wrist blades similar to Wolverine’s from X-men, a nuke-watch, super alien-strength, and dreads like Lil Wayne. Arnold should have lost this fight – he was physically outmatched, without any formidable weapons, and less adept to the environment – but with some primitive thinking and a little mud to help, he prevailed in the end. But tell me this, who had the last laugh? It sure sounded like the alien did.
1. Terminator: Judgment Day
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If I had to be stuck with one, and only one, Arnold movie for the rest of my life, this would be it. And for all I’m concerned with, this is the original Terminator movie. The first, though good, is simply the prequel to me. Stemming from the mastermind and reigning King-of-the-Box-Office, James Cameron, Judgment Day is a masterpiece. Not only is it a bountiful source of timeless one-liners and mesmerizing action-sequences, but who would have thought a machine that lacked practically all emotion and happened to look like a retired Dutch bodybuilder we all recognized and knew of could carve such a special place in our hearts? I’ll never forget that final thumbs-up he gave to John Conner as he was lowered into the molten lava (was it lava?). Besides the fact that I share John Conner’s first name, I always secretly felt that that thumbs-up was directed towards me too, encouraging me to press on, to never give up hope, to believe in companionship and the solidarity of mankind. It’s perhaps the most profound and inspiring thumbs-up in history; I can’t think of any better. It still chokes me up every time…God I wish the Terminator was really my best friend. The one from the this movie of course.
***You’re probably wondering why Total Recall or True Lies, or perhaps even Kindergarten Cop, didn’t make the list. The fact is, I wanted to be honest with myself. I’ve seen these movies before, once, maybe twice, but this list is comprised of movies I grew up watching and thus know well. I’m sure if I was better acquainted with these other movies of Arnold’s one or two of them might usurp what’s now here.
